Yesterday I bought my first pair of eyeglasses. I’m farsighted; I can see without glasses, but doing some of the things I love most has become uncomfortable. Wearing glasses is something that I have very mixed feelings about. It’s not that I don’t like the way they look—I think they’re cute, a new accessory for my wardrobe—the dilemma lies in dependency. I have now been told that I need to attach myself to something other than myself in order to thrive. Interesting…
(I’m pretty convinced that September and October are the months for provoking my issues with dependency.) This time last year, I fell off of a horse and badly sprained my ankle. I had a friend, a trained paramedic, look at it. His orders: ice, elevation, and absolutely NO WALKING. I was at Intern class that night when the instructions were given, and since I had no crutches he carried me everywhere I needed to go—down the stairs, to a seat, to the car, etc. Compliance was fairly easy that night, but in the days following it was not.
There was one morning in particular that I got in trouble—I had been walking on my own at class. He approached with a grizzly bear look on his face and said nothing. I cheerfully asked him how he was. He responded: “Fine, but you’re not going to be if you keep walking on that ankle,” and then he left. I fumed. “How the heck does he expect me to not walk and still get around? What, am I supposed to have someone move in with me to carry me to the bathroom when I have to pee??? It’s not realistic! I’m not trying to be stupid. ARGGHHUhhh!” I got crutches a few days later. Independence is mine!! Yeah, no; independence is painful… It was much easier to let him bear my weight, but in getting crutches I no longer needed him and chose to do everything out of my own strength. Sound familiar?
Dependence scares me. Independence is that for which I have been trained. Pride: to be self-dependent, not reliant on God or others. “God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6). Correction: pride scares me more. Grace is God accomplishing that in, with, through, and for me which I could never achieve on my own. Why do I fight grace?
“Cease striving and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10).
Thank you Amanda. That last paragraph is incredibly well said, and very piercing to me. I too was wrestling with grace this weekend...its so much easier to be independent and live on a works based self-identity. Its so much harder to be dependent, to exist solely due to grace. I'm too scared to not fight grace.
ReplyDelete