(Blogging from A to Z Challenge Day 1: "A")
I apologize to those of you thinking this post would be about the video game, Angry Birds. And I wish I could say this was a funny post about the antics of a grumpy bird.. Alas, today it was me, and not the birds, that was angry.
History: I used to rarely get angry. (I still rarely get angry.) As a kid I just didn't a knowledge anger as a legitimate emotional response—which by the way isn't actually a good thing. I did not like what I called "negative emotions," meaning any emotions that were associated with bad things. I liked to be happy and preferred to process the negatives of life privately or not at all. If by some chance I actually did experience anger, I very rarely expressed it. I used to always hear people say that if you shut up your emotions, eventually they will explode. I used to always wonder when I would explode... I thought for sure one day I would snap.
I can still remember one of the first times I got angry and let it out. I was mad at my friend John (a paramedic) for not letting me walk on a badly sprained ankle. It was a pride/independence issue... He was right, and I knew it. But I was mad; I didn't like his solution, which was carrying me everywhere. He scolded me. I sat down, steamed, and started spewing. My friends had never seen me angry before. They started laughing. When I realized what was happening, I'm pretty sure I started laughing too... Though I still hate being angry I usually laugh about it afterwards.
Today: Today I got angry. It surprised me... I got angry while I was teaching. I'm not used to having to disable anger, while being unable to walk away from the situation, while also having to express myself in front of people. I got angry and all eyes were on me—eyes of kids I love and adore. The last thing I wanted was to lash out, to communicate anything but love to them. It was just me and Jesus standing there in front of them, and I'll admit I couldn't really locate Jesus in that moment; I sure hope they could see Him. I hope He was standing in front of me...
I was frazzled and frustrated. It took a long time to diffuse, and the anger oozed into every situation. I couldn't see my other relationships in love. I was fearful and agitated. I couldn't rest. I couldn't find Jesus. I came home and started spilling my woes to my awesome roommate and her fiance. They listened and then sent me to my room to pray. I got upstairs and knew what needed to be done—it was time to start repenting and forgiving. I had a little come-to-Jesus meeting on my bed... That being done I felt a lot better, and the day began to look up again.
I can't remember the address, and I'm choosing to be lazy and not look it up, but... I remember reading once about Jesus getting angry with the Pharisees. His first action was to heal someone in the crowd. I want to walk in such a way that when my authority as a teacher is being challenged I can respond by healing someone in the class. I want my mouth to be full of grace and mercy and for my discipline to be laced with love and instruction. I don't want to be angry, but if I am I want my first action to be healing.